the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
