my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
