If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
