I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
