I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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