I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
