never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
YAS. BRING CRAB.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
