She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
