The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've blown a few things in my day
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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