Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Someone signed my nipple.
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