I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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