Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
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Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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