I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
