So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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