If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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