I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
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