I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
