I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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