Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
