im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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