Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
