My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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