He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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