last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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