we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
