How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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