she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
