I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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