are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
