Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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