Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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