I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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