How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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