Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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