Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
