1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
