Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
