I don't usually arrange sex via text message
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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