i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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