I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
