sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
