So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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