Moan for me like Helen Keller
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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