I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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