i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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