well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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