did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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