And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
