the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
