Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
