Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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