How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
