I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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