what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
