Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
