I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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