If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
